Contraband Cup-o-Soup or How I Stop Worrying and Learn to Live Without Gluten

May 26, 2011 § Leave a comment

I really love ramen noodles. Like many kids, eating ramen was an everyday staple of growing up. So stringy and brothy, salty and delicious. For how shitty and cheap it is, we just can’t seem to get enough of it. Did you know you can buy it by the case?

It wasn’t until a few years ago that I started paying attention to what I ate. At that time, however, all signs pointed to eating MORE wheat products. 100% whole wheat noodles are better than egg noodles, right? Should definitely get the all natural wheat grain tortillas instead of the corn ones. They have pretty convincing advertising, after all.

It never occurred to me that what they’ve been pimping in the media could actually be bad for me.

Living in Portland definitely increased my beer consumption quotient. I mean, in Utah, the household that I lived in was a Miller household, despite the fact that the gal drinking all of it (surprisingly, not me) was gluten-intolerant.

I’ve just always through that a swollen, itchy face was part of drinking alcohol.

So here I am. Sitting at work late at night clutching a Cup Noodles that I found in the food storage room. It’s fucking delicious. Also, my face is starting to itch. It’s one of those scenarios of how many times must I touch the stove and burn myself before I realize that stoves are for foreplay only. . . I mean. . . don’t touch stoves. Maybe it’s because my reaction isn’t severe enough that I dance the dance of puffy face, swollen stomach and general digestive issues.

Self-care sucks sometimes. Especially when it involves omitting things like doughnuts, greasy chow mien and convenience store burritos. Talking about healthy habits probably doesn’t include those in the food triangle, though.

I can’t promise to make an attempt to eat healthier. My defiant inner personality will take that as a challenge and I will head-dive into a diabetic coma after scarfing down my weight in cinnamon bears and jelly beans. Think about it. As you eat, your weight increases, which means that an infinite amount of vulnerable mammalian gummies will be mercilessly devoured all in the name of personal rebuff.

We can’t have that now.

So what is my solution? The same as always – that by announcing to the world that something is a problem I either have to suck it up and deal with it or risk being seen as a hypocrite. That’s about it.


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